So I am really happy for Jamie's life right now. Sure shes young, but shes doing so much now that is putting her on the track to living her dream. It's a great year or her, I can tell. She deserves it, shes so talented.
As for me, I dont know where my life is going. I want to get school done, get to college, and be in a place where I can see my love on a regular basis.
My eyelids are heavy and a good sleep would do me some good. I am missing the serenity of Cty so much lately. I just need to go back to heaven for a while so I can relax.
I am really glad that I am satisfied with my body. So many people arent and its such a shame. And I don't just like my body because some people consider it "ideal". I love every inch of me. Every curve, hair, freckle, flaw and pore. I am comfortable with my shell. I just like my body. It also helps to have someone else who loves my body despite its flaws. It helps to have someone who loves me for me.

NYC on sunday. I get to see Mark, <3 and some of his friends who I kinda would like to count as my friends too because they are really cool people.
idk, sometimes I wish I went to South Side with them. Or at least lived in the same town. I feel like in some ways I may fit in better there. But i do love Masterman, because it is my home.

I think I'm going to sleep now.

Formspring me.
tell/ask me anything. I love reading anonymous comments and giving advice.
http://www.formspring.com/forms/?739378-hIvwBViKvA

idk I miss the ocean. and summer.

I also wish I wasn't as jealous as I am. It just kicks into me that life can change for me or any of my friends so quickly just by getting close to another person. I just don't want to lose what I have.

I think my parents are at the point of disowning me or something. They never talk to me any more and when they do its with an attitude. I told my mom that my meds stopped working and I need to see Dr. Jones and deal with all this med bs again. All she said was "Get used to it."

There are very few reasons why I am even letting my life continue. Please don't take these reasons away.

I will see my love on sunday. We are so perfect like idek. Youre the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.
He makes my heart feel whole again despite all the people who have tossed it around like trash all these years.
Thank you, baby. I love you.

I need to go shopping for presents for the holidays. I am so fucking broke. And I don't even know if I am getting any presents at all. Fml, i just need some new clothes.

I am cold and tired and still dont know if I'm going to cry tonight.

Sunday needs to hurry up. I miss my boy.
Also, I know know how he feels having to deal with some of my issues, because I am so upset by how much pain he is in cause he had to go and break his butt. It seriously breaks my heart. Feel better, baby.

The ridiculously beautiful but expensive song ring is back in stock. To be honest, I would love if my baby got that for me, but I don't want him spending all his money there.Maybe for our year or something. If he gave me that, i would want it to be special, and i would want him to mean it.

Speaking of that beautiful boy, I just got to be a normal girl and spend the weekend with my love. Its good to actually have someone that gives a shit. He is just everything i ever wanted. And now I have him and he deserves more than me. More than the girl who cries totnd every time I think about how perfect he is, I start to cry. Mainly because I love him so much and it hurts to be away. But also because its scary. Its scary to only feel like you have one person in the world who has your back, and how that person is so far away. Its scary to be so alone, but so wonderful to have that gorgeous shining light at the end of the tunnel. When I was riding a way in the train, I felt a gentle pull on my heart coming from his direction, the direction I was moving away from. I wanted to reach out and touch him. And when I got home to the city, and started walking home, I felt the same way I did when I got home from cty. Empty and homesick. Maybe home is just where he is. And I just love everything about him, everything about us, us as a whole. Him as a person, and how he makes me feel.

Still this weekend was incredible, and I keep falling more in love with this boy every day.

I really need to get through a few days without crying.

A pleasant surprise would make me feel better. I just need something to make me smile.

My ears are ringing. I miss you. My heart feels like its about to collapse without you, or someone here. (But preferably you). I wrote something amazing in my sleep last night.

I learned a lot of stuff about my childhood yesterday that I wasn't entirely clear about. And it just makes me want to kill my parents. How she just straight up didnt want me and how he as just too drunk to care. And how that is why I grew up so alone. Why I cant trust anyone. Why I just want out of here. But the main thing is, I am always going to resent you for what you didnt do. You were the ONLY person who knew what he was capable of, and how much it hurt. But you didn't come get me so your mother and your boyfriend had to come get me out of the goodness of their hearts. I will always remember that night, the tearful phone calls at 2am. I will never forgive you for it.

I just need out of this goddamn house.

It really sucks that I have not been able to stop crying for the past week or so. I am honestly the happiest I have ever been, but the chemicals in my brain dont know how to work right. Even with those goddamn pills.
My family is driving me crazy and my friends constanly say "Oh, tell me whats going on, you can talk to me", but when I start to talk they get distracted. Why do I even bother? I feel way better using my own coping skills. And they work. I dont want to do homework, I dont want to do chores, I dont really care. I just want to sleep forever. Jamie says that to her, death is just when a person stops existing. That is exactly what I want. To stop existing, to be no more a burden on people. To not have to be the fuck-up that I am. I want to disappear, like in pipes. Go to the real heaven. maybe even bring some cards.

Not that anyone even gives a shit about this.


If you were here with me, now, things would be so much better and I would probably be able to stop crying.
Not that it matters, because youre not here, and I cant blame you for that.

10 days until life gets put back in its place, at least for a little while.

The other day we were video chatting and you asked if the shirt I was wearing was what I had been wearing that first night we danced. It was the same shirt, and you remembered it from a moment over a year ago when we werent even close to being together. Reason #1836 why I love you.

Nhd is mostly done. WOOHOO.

School sucks and I hate it and it is just filled with fuckery. So it my mom and her bullshit claims that she and my stepdad are getting divorced. Get over yourself, mom. That would just be the most selfish thing to divorce my stepdad but still live with him to "persue other interests" aka sex from other guys. Its selfish to make your husband continue to support you and your children when you just want to fuck other guys. I am not letting you treat this amazing man who tolerates all your shit like this. I am not letting my sister have to deal with divorce as a child like I did. And I am not going through a divorce myself again. Seriously, grow the fuck up mother.

twelve. days.
and then I get to see my love and all will be right with the world.

I also need to get some writing together.

I am so in love with you, it just hirts to be so far away.

Marilyn Monroe once said "If you can't handle me at my worst than you dont deserve to see me at my best".

And I understand if you cant handle me at my worst.

Its friday night, otherwise known as "sit around the house and feel sorry for myself night #1" (#2 is saturday night). My lie is just so rediculously lame. It is about 9:40. Shouldn't I be out doing something fun instead of napping and stumbling? So far this evening i have taken a nap and done homework. It kills me how boring my life is. Theres no one to talk to because every one else has lives. I FUCKING HATE THIS. ergh. And i didnt eat dinner and i want to cry and sleep and scream and bleed forever.
I want to do something productive. But not nhd cause I dont feel like it yet and I did all my other homework already. I want to create something beautiful. I would write, if i had talent or inspiration or something.
I want someone to call me to say hey. I want you to write me a letter, because I like getting mail.
I am cold and I miss you.
And I want to cry. But I don't think I'm going to this time.
I think the meds dont actually make me feel better, they just restrict my tear glands or something so that i dont cry as much. Im still just as sad.



I need new bracelets. Urban, I wish I had money to buy your pretty jewlery and dresses.

Oh look im crying now.
Fuck my life. I need someone to save me.

For the longest time I have had this feeling in my gut, maybe even my heart. The kind that a little kid has when faced with a difficult situation: I want to go home. But, where is that? I'm in my house. My bed. My mom is even here. But it doesn't feel like home. Cty has always been my home, but you have worked your way so thoroughly into my life that you are beginning to feel like home to me. Because at the end of the day, all I want to do is be with you. I wonder if I have the same effect on you.

I should be studying for chemistry right now. Oops.

"And if I die in my sleep are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?"

Liz gave me a bracelet today. I am happy. I also had to watch a movie in health about child abuse. Sexual and otherwise. That was pretty cheerful. I was about to fucking cry, thats how cheerfful it was. And all of the "true stories" had happy endings. Yeah, okay. And tomorrow is friday so that just makes life a lot cooler.

So this thing. It's my formspring. Its pretty much like an honesty box. It's completely anonymous, so everyone should write in it. Tell me a secret, ask for advice, vent, whatevs. Pretty please.

Please don't ever go away and please, please don't ever give up on this.

All of this is beginning to take a toll on me. Again.

( ... )

Tell me something, anything, anonymously. My formspring needs use.

I am a wreck. I really need to get my shit together. Lets get fucked up and die.

It kills me to know how disposable I am.

You probably shouldnt read this because it will make you feel bad and all i want is your love, not your pity.
XC states was fun. But I got sick, and I currently feel like shit. I had to work on nhd and this other stupid project and my throat is fucking killing me. Francis said he would make matzoh ball soup but apparently that takes fucking forever. My mommy is kinda sick too, which is probably my fault. BUT SHE IS SO AWWESOME BECAUSE SHE GAVE ME MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND ITS TICKETS FOR US TO GO SEE THE LION KING AT THE ACADEMY OF MUSIC. THE SEATS ARE SO CLOSE TO THE STAGE I AM FLIPPING OUT. my mommy is so cool.
I feel kinda bad because I've basically been cutting myself off from everyone for the past few days. I honestly just need to sleep. And I don't want you to ever ever think that sleep is more important to me than you, because its not. Its just that I cant function without my sleep. When I'm really tired, I literally cant focus on anything.
Life has just been hurting so bad lately. I dont know what to do with myself. I still have that overpowering feeling that I want to smash my head into a wall as hard as possible. I want to cry every day and I just feel so horrible because its no ones fault and no one can do anything to fix it. This is so hard but I know if I give up, or if either of you give up, I'm left for dead. And no matter how much you say it, and no matter how much I know its true, I need to know that somebody loves me. I need to know that I'm not going to feel this way for the rest of my life. And how many of my tears can you handle? Nobody else has lasted more than a year. Why would you? I just dont want this to rub off on you. I dont want you to feel miserable because I am; It's not fair. Let me know when my pain is weighing you down, so you can let me go, not that i want you to.
I remember that horrible treacherous storm that came last winter. I can feel it brewing up again.

Don't worry, I'm fine.

Loving the new Say Anything.

Im tired and stressed and don't know what to do with myself. Its surprising I havent run out of tears yet. I love my life, but why does it make me so upset so often?

And by the way, Im sick of you brainwashing people. I'm sick of this on/off friendship thing that people think can happen because of you. You did it to me, the brainwashing. And it worked. And I  regretted it for months. And other people should know by now that you do that, but they still fall for it. Sorry I still want to be your friend, you may now continue to be a zombie unless youd like to prove me wrong. I'll be here, whatever.

I'm homesick. I miss the way the sun shone to make it look like heaven. Only, what, nine more months?

I want people to begin understanding the difference between a real gift and a "tell me what you want and ill give it to you" gift. Even if its just words.

One month. One month. One month. Keep holding on.

Do you know the color of my eyes?

I think I'm not going to care about what could have happened. I'm going to be thankful for what did happen and that it happened right.

Prove yourself to me.

Right now I am fighting my hardest not to give up, on this, on life. But I never want to give up on you. Every day I am so afraid of the way life is for us. I am sitting here right now. Crying. Because they wont let me have you because I am so inadequate. I'm waiting for a call, a text anything to let me know youre there, or here, and still with me. Please be here.

I have a problem with people. They always seem to fuck me over. I put my trust and love and hope and efforts into relationships and I always get the shitty end of the stick. It's usually my fault. Because I am so fucked up. Because I can't function without the meds. Because I am so lost and scared that I have no idea what to do. So people see me like this and get scared and run away. I just want someone who wont run away. Please.

You are the only motivation I have to get better. I don't care how I feel. I'm used to the overpowering loneliness and sadness. But this is my problem, not yours or anyone elses, and I don't want to give you this burden that has gave me a heavy heart for so many years. It is my job to stabilize myself, and the only reason I want to do that no is so you wont have to deal with my problems yourself. So you don't have to deal with the crazy emma who can't stop crying for no reason at all. But it might be nice to have someone who loves me regardless of my issues. And no matter what, I will always be here for you.

The Cure is a perfect soundtrack for my life right now.
Speaking of lives, I should get one.

I'm sorry.

What will she mean to you in twenty years? In fifty? What will you think of her then? When you are old and tired what will you tell your grandchildren? "I fell in love with that girl. I don't know where we went wrong" or, "I fell in love with that girl. Now shes downstairs in the kitchen making you guys cookies."?

The feeling of life being okay seems more like a lull to me. I'm not used to things being good. I'm just afraid that soon fate is gonna be like "okay, emma, happy time is over" and I'll have to start all over again. Dont get me wrong, I am so unbelievably grateful for where i am right now. I'm just afraid its all going to be taken away from me in a split second. (Please, please dont let that happen.)
I dont want to lose this, or fuck it up like i do everything else. I'm scared.

Yesterday I listened to a song by October Fall that I havent heard in over a year. It gave me butterflies and reminded me of summer road trips.

I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone. I see people in the hall and say hi and stuff, but I haven't really talked to anyone in quite a while. But I am guessing that most of these people aren't even worth the thought because of the stupid decisions they continue to make.

I will always be here.